BREAKING NEWS - Shane Watson IS a Cheat!

The evidence supporting the revelation that Shane Watson is a cheat is compelling and is based on the logical progression of events that started in Colombo, Sri Lanka in 2006.

Shane instructs Brad - "On my wink, unleash hell"

In August of that year whilst doing a commentary for South Africa’s Ten Sports, Dean Jones (the former Australian batting star) referred to South African cricketer Hashim Amla as a “terrorist”. The overwhelming evidence for this damming indictment to a potential world audience was that based on the facts that he was both:

 a) Muslim, and

b) had a beard.

Unfortunately for Deano the educated media came out and decided that such a rash assumption based on such flimsy evidence could imply that maybe Dean was more than just a little bit racist.

Obviously the CIA, FBI, Mossad, MI5 and the ILEA immediately contacted Jones for his advance terrorist recognition techniques and it was rumoured that job offers soon followed. Unfortunately for Deano the then Australian Prime Minister and self confessed “cricket-tragic”, John Howard, came out and publicly declared without prior request, that “Dean Jones is not a Racist”. This statement was believed by the Australian public although it was based on even flimsier evidence than Deano’s original character assassination.

Accordingly Deano’s next career step was abruptly curtailed when the World’s anti-terrorist bodies decided that purely un-informed racist guesswork was not their thing (although it was further rumoured that the FBI saw this as enhancing his suitability for a senior role.)

Roll forward to March 2011 and the Australian openers Shane Watson and Brad Haddin are the subject of spot fixing rumours due to their slow run rate against the less than impressive Zimbabwe opening bowling attack and as such the “cheating finger” is currently being pointed sharply at them; funnily enough by the media of India who, coincidentally, I would imagine are both Muslims and have beards.

So where is John Howard now when he is needed (GOD! never thought I’d ever write those words) his mere silence is more than enough evidence to firmly indicate to the World that those two must be so obviously”guilty as charged” that they may as well plead guilty, pack their whites and head of to the IPL, where they will feel more at home.

All this looks very poor for Shane Watson who up until now had had a reasonably unblemished reputation for fair play and hence I break the news to the World that he is by the logical argument presented above, a cheat of the 1^st order.

And Brad? Well unfortunately this is not news at all. Learned scribes before me have well documented Haddin’s cheating capabilities when in February 2009 in a ODI against New Zealand he clearly “cheated” Neil Broom’s wicket by disturbing the stumps with his gloves and claiming the batsman were bowled. Tricky Ricky immediately claimed “victim” status for Brad claiming that calling someone a “cheat”, as Daniel Vettori had correctly done, was a much more heinous crime than actually cheating itself. (Go Ricky! Go Ricky! A career in politics beckons).